Making Headway

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It has been one week since I lifted half of the weight of my life-changing efforts by quitting my job. The day after my last at work began with a yoga class on Saturday morning. I was already starting to reel with what now remains from my decision to leave, and the uncertainty of what’s to come. As I arrived home after class, I walked by the tall stalks of bamboo in my front yard. I looked down at my feet, and what do I find? A freshly sprouted bamboo shoot! It looked strong and healthy, and must’ve been a good 3-4 inches tall. From the looks of the disturbed, wet bark surrounding the shoot, it must have come up rapidly overnight. It made me instantly so happy to see — almost giddy with excitement!

I planted a couple bamboo families out there 3 years ago in an effort to landscape my front yard. In that time, a few new sprouts have come up, but not much has ever come of them (which is odd, considering that typically you have to try and prevent the rapid spread of these tenacious things). Either they have died on their own or grown thin/not very tall. Most often, though, squirrels have gotten to the tasty little bits, eating away at them on the first day of their contact with the sunlight.

If you know me at all, you’re most likely aware that I’m not great with maintaining plants. I relish at taking care of and nurturing people and animals, but for some reason prefer seeing plants grow naturally wild. Seeing new plant life is always interesting, but it has never made me this giddy. I wondered if it would get eaten by the little critters again. But above all, I was actually excited to see this new growth in the midst of the fear and silent chaos that lived inside my head. For whatever reason, this tiny act of nature gave me hope in trusting again. Trusting my gut and my heart in these big decisions that I recently made for myself, regardless of what’s to come in the unknown.

My time remaining in this big house has come down to 12 days, and the bamboo will no longer belong to me (not that they have ever REALLY belonged to me, anyway). I won’t get to take them with me when I leave, but watching this one grow to an impressive 2 feet in height over the last week has been like witnessing a parallel life form. Like a little plant-friend living and growing right beside me. I really have no idea what will happen tomorrow, next week…next year. However, I can already feel the current shift and expansion happening in my life. Parts of it are scary as hell, because often I feel like I’m walking around in the dark. My brain likes to create the future, before any future has had a any chance to form, simply based on what it has only experienced in the past. It tries to cling. Meanwhile, I’m trying to listen to the intuition in the middle of all of that, whose silent whisper has so much more volume in its power than it does in its appearance. It’s so hard to hear, because the voices that surround it that scream “what if?!” are so much louder in comparison!

The work I’ve been doing over the recent months to prepare for my next life adventures has rewarded me with one giant lesson: The changes we wish to see and the experiences we hope to nurture are only possible if we create the necessary space for them. Somehow, we can’t move forward without getting rid of some things first (beliefs that no longer serve, possessions we no longer need, desires that are unfulfilled, etc). It’s like our brain is a room, with four walls that can only contain so many things. If it’s full to the brim with junk that we don’t use, how can we possibly furnish it with the things needed to create a different space? Once we get rid of those things, THEN we can bring in the new.

What has been most interesting to me, is how we experience seeing this “room” in the new. It’s the same exact room, but our perception and how we experience it is MUCH different.

I’ve been experiencing the whole last week just like this. My job occupied such a big portion of my life and my identity. Since I have made such a big change with that part of my life-pie, it has changed how I look at and experience the rest of it. The way it feels to experience simple things: walking through my front door, the way it feels to lay in my bed, to drive to or walk into the grocery store. To walk my dog or to give her a hug. It all occupies space in my life, just as it did before I made such a big change, but it all feels so different. It’s like I’m experiencing it under a certain layer of consciousness that has been peeled away.

So, I’ve made this headway. I’ve still got a lot to do to move out of this house in the next couple of weeks. I’m so very unfamiliar with the new experiences that are around the corner for me. There’s no doubt in my mind that I’ve got more time to spend on the emotional roller coaster of all of this. But, I’m learning how to trust that it’s all for the better. It’s so very necessary for the growth of what’s to come.

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